New Zealand wins FIFA Soccer World Cup

Did we win the soccer match against Bahrain on Saturday(query: how many NZers would actually be able to plot this alleged soccer powerhouse Bahrain on a map)? I don’t know, I think I might have missed it, the blanket wall-to-wall coverage, and the 60 foot headlines were a little hard to see.

Most ridiculously of all, driving along the motorway on Saturday night a radio station was playing “We are the Champions!”. With all the lauding of this being a historic day for the ‘All Whites’, any European visitor would think we had won the bloody World Cup (either that or they’d think we were celebrating a return to a Eurocentric immigration policy).

The All Whites
Above: The All Whites

On the plus side, New Zealand has qualified for the FIFA World Cup. An achievement which can be likened to a Down Syndrome kid putting a coherent sentence together. It has also supplanted the Rugby with most of the population barely noticing that the All Blacks played Italy on the same night. In a regular newscycle the All Blacks game would have been hailed as a historic day for one of the world’s oldest sports…you almost feel sorry for the All Blacks, but then you remember that they play Rugby.

Which leads me to wonder whether the All Whites should even go to the World Cup. New Zealanders are notorious sore losers (despite a long history of humiliating losses) so when the All Whites eventually do lose a game you can bet the knives will come out. Not only that but the game is being held in South Africa, a place where your chances of survival are pretty low anyway without signs on your back saying ‘All Whites’  severely worsening your chances. My advice to the All Whites: stay at home, fake a plane crash/food poisoning/death threat, or boycott the Cup for some noble-sounding political reason, you’ll be martyrs and it’ll be less painful than the alternative……


2 thoughts on “New Zealand wins FIFA Soccer World Cup

    1. Of course! I always knew I’d be cited as an authoritative soccer resource someday (I just assumed that would come at a day when the soccer authorities had lost their minds!).

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